Heart Broken

Today about 10PM, after coming back from fellowship from Texas Roadhouse, as my wife , & I were talking she got a text from her sis in law. She was asking if it was alright if Averie could call me because she was crying for me. You see my little niece has been in my life for a while it gets complicated at times, but I have learned to love her as my own. I just didn't realize how much I loved that little girl.

We have this bond when we see each other for some reason we put each others hands on each others face, I see how big my hand is against her little face, it makes me just want to squeeze her. She puts her hand against my big face, she can only cover my nose only. Then she just smiles. You see God hasn't given us a little girl, i say because God doesn't give us what we cant handle. See at times I was the threat, she would get, I would be the one they would say, "if you don't behave I will tell Tio Juan". She had a fear for me that turned into love, i have never laid hands on this little girl, but she was always afraid if i would someday. I think it would break my heart if I did.

Well she has moved to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma to be with her dad, which is wonderful, she has her family. I just didn't know how much it would break my heart, or miss her so much, as I type, there is this huge knot in my throat. Well she call me, & i answer the phone thinking i can be tough Tio Juan, but this little voice on the other end is going hysterical saying ,"I love you Tio Juan, I love you." It just melted my heart away, i start crying, not wanting my boys to see my like this, I stay outside, I keep telling her I love her, she tells me she misses me, she misses her Tia DeeDee, she misses Johnny, misses Mikey, she misses David. I just keep crying trying to not let her notice I am crying,"Just keep telling her you love her," i tell myself. Well we hang up I walk a little bit around out side with this huge knot in my throat, then i make my way inside. I sit on the couch looking at the ceiling, my wife asks if I'm alright, I tell her, "She's gonna forget me".

I try to keep myself from breaking down, then my wife tells me she is gonna call me again, because I told her she could call me whenever she wanted too. So she calls again, all crying, so I start crying this time just like her I couldn't stop, She starts telling me she loves us all, she starts naming one by one. She also tells me If I could got to Oklahoma to go see her, I mean how can I tell her no. So I promised her I would go see her, she is also telling me she will behave at school, so I can go see her. She is telling me we will have lots of fun, I am just balling by know, i didn't care who heard me I just told her I loved her. I started thinking, man I am heart broken, I love this little girl, & I can't have her or see her anymore, but I WILL pray for her, I feel I lost her, & crazy thing is she is not even my daughter. I can't handle little girls breaking my heart, as tough as I want to be around them, I think they know they melt my heart, I love all my nieces.

After we hung up I just had to come , & blog, because maybe someday when she gets older, & she has forgotten me, she can read this, & know how much her Tio Juan loves her, and how close we were.