Don't know the word

Don't know the word to describe how i feel right now. I am just thinking of a lot of stuff that keep you up at night. Thinking of my spiritual life and where i have come so far and i don't want to be at a stand still, I want to keep learning to be on fire, to have that zeal back in my life, i am just being honest, seems like these days i feel burnt out and don't want to go anymore forward, i start thinking what for, what am i doing this for, this Wednesday we had a missionary at church and preached a message on how precious God thinks of us, we are HIS children, HE loves us so much, i got to thinking of how i fail HIM, how i let HIM down so so much, yet HE loves me so so much, we are HIS children we are what HE died for, then i remember why I do this thing called a Christian Walk. I love my church and my church family, i just feel like i am at a stand still, i pray to God whats next, what do you want me to do, where do you want me to go, what oh LORD what. Then comes the praying, and i know its me not being able to hear what HE wants me to do. I love preaching, I love teaching that is what keeps me in my Bible. My burden has always been the Spanish speaking people of the valley, About 5 years ago the LORD gave me the privilege to teach the teenagers. To tell you the truth i didn't want to do it, but my pastor asked me, I prayed and God gave me peace on it. I kept telling myself how will you talk to these mini adults, yet you cant talk to them like adults sometimes, yet not children, heaven forbid you talk to them like little kids they get offended, but i did it, I have grown to love my teenagers, they have a respect for me i can see that. I pray for them, i cry for them, i see things in their lives that break my heart, like their face-book pages, grr, but What can you do nothing? nothing but pray and preach the Word of God. I don't mean to get all Holy on this but this is a fire i have for them. I must admit sometimes i go to church out of routine just to say i was there, or to keep people from saying where was Juan tonight they should know if I'm not there i am usually working. I just want my fire back LORD, I'm just tired I'm tired of it all, sometimes i feel like throwing in the towel, but i think of my boys what will they think what will be there future, I cant give up, i don't want them to give up on Jesus because there dad did it, i don't want to answer to GOD for that. So i will keep chugging along with what HE has in store for my family and I. My work on the other hand has caught up to my body, since my diagnosis of being diabetic my body feels more drained than ever, i just keep pushing along as well, sometime i push too hard, then it gets scary when it seems my heart cant catch up with the beating my body is taking, but i cant tell my boss i cant keep up what will he say or do, so i just must go on. I have felt like i have been picked on at work like the boss gives me less men to complete a job than others, but my wife says he might just think i can get it done with less people, so i will not say anything to him i will take it to the LORD and let HIM take care of it. I don't want to sound like a crybaby to my boss so i will let GOD take care of my situation there at work. Then i start thinking about my boys and there future, my Johnny which i haven't seen in months for he chose to do his own thing, but what can i do he don't live with me, all i can do is pray for him really. My Michael what will become of him, he has such a big heart(don't know where he got that from) though he is a junior in high school, the time has flown by so fast, i remember when we would go to Wallbangers he used to sit in the front seat between Sal an I,  next year a senior then what, i hope for college, i hope he sees how hard his parents work and he gets himself an education not to be struggling paycheck to paycheck, my little David not so little anymore 9 years old already, wow, i pray i will have taught them something about life, about Jesus, something to help them turn out right, especially right with the LORD. I pray they be a better Christian than their dad, i haven't blogged in a while just have a lot on my mind and i guess i needed to unload on here.